Funny monday mornings

[Y]

Bon, le lundi matin est toujours la période de la semaine la plus déprimante, non? Y a pensé vous faire rire un peu...

-1-
(celle-là est surtout pour François...)
Subject: Travel Agent Funnies

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando
is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on
the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard
Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to
save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there
any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports. I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to
China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked
and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he
said,"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have
accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and
finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"


-2-
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"


-3-
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


-4-
Notable Quotations:

"Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey, pop singer


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to
preserve disorder."
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party
convention

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the
law."
David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Jason Kidd, upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are"
Matt Lauer, host of NBC's Today show

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
Tom Menino, Boston mayor on the shortage of city parking spaces

"Half this game is ninety percent mental. "
Former baseball player and manager Yogi Berra

"They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they
take them off."
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the
Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make
them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign.

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
Former Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
hilip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it!"
A congressional candidate in Texas

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"What would this country be without this great land of ours?"
Former President Ronald Reagan


-5-
A few words from the visionary Steven Wright :

-All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

-Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

-I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

-How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

-Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

-I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

-24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

-Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

-I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

-Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

-A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

-No one is listening until you make a mistake.

-Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

-Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.

-A fool and his money are soon partying.

-If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

-Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

-99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

[François]

Quand j'ai 2 minutes, il faudrait que je vous liste mes top 10 des questions de clients les plus stupides...un peu comme le numéro 1...

[Christian]

J'ai deja dit a un trucker local (Cet homme n'a jamais sorti de la region de Montreal de sa vie) d'une soixantaine d'annees qui n'avait visiblement pas beaucoup "d'instruisance" que j'etais deja alle en France en voiture. Je vous jure qu'il m'avait cru. Il m'avait repondu que ce voyage avait du etre long.

Pauvre type. Je suis parfois un peu taquin.

[Christian]

[quote="A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why
do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline,
they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there
any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

Je suis tres difficile a faire rire mais celle-la me fait tordre depuis 5 minutes.

Merci Y de me changer les idees ce matin.

[Y]

Vas voir dans la section anglaise, un truc any something... En fait, tu pourrais pleurer aussi.

Moi je ne gagerais jamais contre quelqu'un qui me dirait qu'il est déjà allé en France en voiture (depuis Montréal)... car c'est possible, right? Bon, oui il faut forcer un peu, mais c'est possible.

[BoB]

ouais, ya un montréal en France!

[Y]

Nah, on ne peut dire qu'on va dans un autre pays si on s'y trouve déjà, right?

J'ai une (trop) grande imagination, mais pourtant c'est si simple, tellement simple même que je n'ai même pas besoin d'expliquer comment. C'est con, oui, mais définitivement possible.

[Christian]

Si on va au Port de Montreal en voiture. Qu'on rentre sur un bateau toujours en voiture et qu'on reste a l'interieur durant tout le voyage avec une toilette manuelle (a vider au besoin par la fenetre Ouach! et avec des provisions) Pour les odeurs on s'habitue j'imagine.

A part ca je donne ma langue au chat Y. As-tu une autre possibilite?

[Y]

J'avais bien dit que c'était con et un peu forcé, mais, oui, c'est ce que je pensais. Non, pas d'autre(s) façon(s).

[Bxl Boy]

Bah, on peut toujours aller à Paris (Texas) ou en (Nouvelle-) France en auto

[Y]

Quand j'ai 2 minutes, il faudrait que je vous liste mes top 10 des questions de clients les plus stupides...un peu comme le numéro 1...

Rappel de ne pas oublier...


Il y a quelques années je suis assis bien tranquille dans un avion pour un vol vers Varadero, Cuba. Alors que l'avion continue de se remplir, un voisin me demande où je vais. Surpris de sa question, Varadero lui ai-je répondu. Il demande la même question à une autre personne et il obtint la même réponse. Vraiment très surpris, il demande finalement à une troisième personne, pis vous, allez-vous aussi à Varadero? Cette troisième personne répondait évidemment oui. Et le pauvre type de répondre en regardant partout autour de lui: tout le monde va à la même place ou quoi?

Un vieux garçon dans la quarantaine parti, loin de chez lui, à la découverte du monde et de la vie. Merveilleux. Sa quête du savoir va être parsemée d'obstacles et d'imprévus, comme celui-là. L'histoire ne dit pas s'il a survécu à la jungle qui sévi à l'extérieur. Qui risque rien n'a rien...